Your heart races as you round the corner toward your house… Is he home?
You mind fumbles thinking of what to tell him. Where this stuff came from. Did you find it for a bargain at a thrift store? Maybe your mom was thinking of you and bought you a treat. Maybe a friend was going through her things and gave some to you that she didn’t want anymore. Oh these old things? I’ve had them for months! Can’t believe you’re just now noticing them!
Which of these reasons have I used lately?
But, I NEEDED this pair of jeans. All of the ones I have are too big. Plus, they are perfect for my business trip – they make me look put together. Even though I have to lie to my husband about how much they cost and where I got them.
As you pull into the drive, a flood of relief washes over you… his car isn’t there. You can rustle through the house with your shopping bags, rip off all the tags (and toss them in the outside recycling), and hang everything up like it’s always been there. Then, just be careful not to wear anything new right away. Work in the new items piece by piece over time so he doesn’t guess. So he doesn’t find out you’re a liar. So he doesn’t leave you.
Have I captured it right?
The guilt, the lies… even lying to your friends when they compliment you on your new shirtjeanshoespurse in front of him?
I know I have. Because I have played out this scenario countless times. And I am horrified at myself.
Our minds have an amazing ability to justify just about ANYTHING. And to create obsessive needs that feel like a drug addiction. I HAVE to get this new outfit for my trip, because I have nothing appropriate to wear. None of my clothes fit right anymore. I’m tired of wearing the same thing all the time.
But, what is your VOICE really telling you? You need this [blank] because who you are right now just isn’t good enough.
That thought is far to painful to access, much less to sit with. To inhale and exhale that pain feels like dying.
So instead, we shop. Or we eat. Or we steal. Or we drink. Or we restrict.
Whatever your drug of choice, you know you have a problem when you start lying about it to everyone. When you start believing the lies yourself.
In lying to ourselves and our lovers, we diminish our greatness. We shrink into fearful, caged creatures who begin to lash out because the self-hatred is gnawing away and we refuse to address it. And it’s a viscious circle. You feel like shit, so you go buy something to make you feel better. You eat a gallon of ice cream. You don’t eat anything all day but one bagel. 300 calories! I am so in control of my life!
I feel like someone who has let out a secret that they were supposed to take to the grave.
I am terrified, yet somehow vibrantly alive. Because I refuse to be pushed around by the VOICE anymore. I AM good enough right now. In fact, I am kickass, strong, independent, confident, and for the first time in my adult life… have found a path that I am seriously stoked on. I know where I want to be. I know who I am… and I love all my little broken mosaic soul pieces that have always been beautiful, but I couldn’t before handle their sharp edges.
So, today, and every Monday is going to be a dirty laundry party; where we all can air out our failures, our lies and our embarrassments that just serve to dampen our flames. I’ll always go first. By the time a year rolls around, you’ll know 52 things about me that I am horrified to admit. Yep – I’m not perfect!
And neither are you.
We should embrace our imperfections.
To ignore them or drown them in clothes and ice cream just makes us weaker, smaller, more fearfulfurtive.
It’s time to live big, NOW. And we absolutely cannot thrive until we separate ourselves from our internal VOICE. You are not your mind.
You are not your mind.
You are not your mind.
You are the wind, the sun, and the stars. You are whole and beautiful.
You can begin again.